I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
