Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
