did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
