Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
