Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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