Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How does it feel to date your dad?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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