I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I am naked and annoyed.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Pooping to opera.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
