You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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