I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
