sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
