Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
