Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
