I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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