I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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