You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
