M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
