She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
