I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
