Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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