i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
