just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
