just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
