So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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