i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
