The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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