my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize