We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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