I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
