i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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