I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm sobbing to NWA
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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