Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Randomize
