yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
