i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
