dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You smell like stripper and shame
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
