the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
