just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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