I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If I die, sorry about rent.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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