I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
