why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
