you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
