Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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