i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
