Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
