i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
