Got a toothbrush?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
