i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize