This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
