Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize