my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I am available for nakedness
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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