Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
