Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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