I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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