____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize