Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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