epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
