my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
