Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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