I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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